Crying Out For Help: Can I?
My name is Shell and I am a control freak. (I hear the unison response, "Hello Shell".) It has been approximately 7.2 seconds since my last fit of losing control. (See the heads shaking.) Yes, I lost my cool just a few moments ago because I am unsure of where God is leading me and I want to know. I want to know the details. I want to know how I am going to get where I am going, when I am going to get there, and what is going to happen. But He doesn't work like that and won't give in.
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak." I am weak. I am so very weak right now. I feel like I had it all and let it go because of my faith and now am sitting in this abyss of which I see no way out. I am trying to trust, trying to maintain my ability to see out of the cloud, but I have these moments where I break down and cry out to Him.
"O Lord heal me for my bones are troubled." Because of the lack of control, which is like withdrawal for a control freak, even my bones begin to hurt. My physical being gets weaker with each passing day as I am supposed to be getting stronger because HE is with me. How much harder it is to do when dealt a blow to one's plans!
"My soul is also greatly troubled." Yes it is. I felt like I did what I was told and now sit here in jeopardy of losing it all. ALL. I want to be that strong Christian who presses forward and says, "Sun Stand Still!" and it does. I want to be that girl who knows all will work out. After all, I am the one who encourages everyone else. But where Lord is the one to encourage me? I know I must press forward and overcome this funk but it has only been 1 minutes and 12 seconds. I may have another melt down tomorrow. Who knows?
"But You, O Lord, how long?" How long until I can breathe again knowing it will all be okay because of tangible things? How long until I can physically see that all is well and I am going to be just fine? How long Lord? You know the answers Lord and I have to trust but it is hard. It is very, very hard to blindly trust when all the signs say that I am about to reach total failure. Does that mean success to you? Does this lesson protect my children? Does this lesson bring me closer to my destiny? Is this lesson my destiny?
It is so hard to know that you are doing the right thing when you trust God and the still soft whispers. It is hard to know that you trust and walk in faith and then everything blows up in your face and you are struck dumbfounded wondering what to do next. I am truly living by the Grace of God at this moment and truly on His mercy for each moment. To say I am not enjoying the lessons would be a lie, but to say that I am not starting to worry that I made a wrong decision would be a lie as well. Why does doubt start to creep in at the same time the blessing is about to be uncovered. I pray I have the strength to press through this and to come out like Job not Judas.
Created over 1 year ago