Vanity?

Vanity?
Current mood: confused
Category: aching Life

I don't really have something special to say...I just needed to express what I've been feeling and see if anyone can relate. Needed to empty myself. The subject is Vanity, but I suppose it's not so much "Vanity" as it is just feeling so full of self that there's no room for God. Too much Sam, my flesh, carnality, or maybe just nothingness and not enough God, Holy Spirit, or the Gifts and Talents He's given me.

I love the Lord with all my heart. I claim to be a spirit filled Christian who's sole desire is to give all of myself to the One true God. The one who gave it all for me. So that I could be forgiven and spend forever w/Him. To me, the idea of Jesus' sacrafice is almost too much to bear especially since becoming a mother and being able to relate to God and Mary's sacrafice.

With that said: Filled w/His spirit is not what I feel lately. I feel as if I make His sacrafice futile, that I take it in vain by doing nothing. My life, my habits, my "sins" are not enough to condemn me or make me a "bad person." But I'm not doing anything that says I'm a "good" person/Christian either. I don't benefit the word "Christian." I love God, I talk about God, but I'm not really showing God's love to the world. I feel insignificant and unqualified. But then the Lord reminds me that He made me w/all my perceived flaws and all that is good and wonderful too. He tells me that I'm exactly what He wanted and that it's not what I think I can do but what He has called me to do and promises He will equip me. That it's not me but Him in me. I want to go and do and be all that He desires me to be but then again I don't. Fear maybe? I don't know.

This is the part that throws me: I'm trying to get healthy and lose weight and just feel good about myself for a change and I'm doing it! I've lost 20lbs, I'm working out, my eating is greatly changed and people are noticing. It feels great to have this confidence, but I almost don't want it now. Not to say that I want to go back, but I don't know how to handle this "attention"-for lack of a better word. I have enough sense to say that I enjoy it like anyone would but I almost feel like it's holding me back from my purpose.

My purpose to be a Godly wife and mother and to spread Christ's love to the world (sounds vague, but some will get it). My purpose is being hindered not necessarly because of VANITY, but in a sense it is, because getting fit and feeling good about myself is such a huge focus in my life. It's distracted my focus from the most important thing in my life which is God. I'm not really sure how to adjust. I know that I'm suppose to "honor my temple" i.e. being healthy, but I can't seem to realign my focus to "love the Lord your God w/all your heart, soul, mind and strength." Mrk 12:29-30 I don't feel like I do that or my life would be different.

It's not just vanity either. I'm just not passionate about seeking God. It's really bizaarre because I desire to be close to God, seek His face, know Him intimately, be on fire, do great things!; but I can't seem to get myself their. To get myself to do it. I feel like I'm conscious but I'm numb and for some reason I'm expecting God to just drop "life change" into my lap. Or there be some amazing thing happen where I suddenly wake up and my life changes back to being passionately in love with Christ. To the point where I can't hold in how much I love Him and it spills out of me.

I know that it's up to me. That I have to take the steps to get back to that place and that God never pulls away, but that I do. I think because I haven't actually done anyting wrong or gone back to a life filled w/sin and garbage that would turn me from God and therefore warrant an amazing new and refreshed walk with him that I'm not genuine. But instead I have let little things that are harder to recognize and not necessarily "sins" creep in and sneak me away from Him making it even harder to appreciate Him and run after Him.

I realize that it's just a matter of sacraficing my flesh, by getting my lazy "spiritual" butt to workout. Strengthing my faith by reading, praying, fasting, worshiping but I feel so fake; and it's all me. What He did wasn't fake, His love isn't fake. It's my selfishness and stupidity! And that's the truth of it. I have the knowledge of what it would be like if I totally turned it over to Him but for some reason I want to hang on to my nothingness, or maybe not "want to hang on" but can't seem to let go or even really recognize what "it" might be. UGGGHHH!!!

Let me say that I definatley have not turned away from God. I love Him more now then ever. But that's because I know Him and who I am/can be in Him better then before. I'm learning who I am more and more everyday. Having a child has really caused some self examination. I know who I want to be or should be, and because of her, for her... I want to get there. I need to.

So I will strive to be less of me and more of who He created me to be. So that His sacrafice, Mary's sacrafice isn't in vain. Not for myself but for Him and who He entrusted me with; my beautiful little Girl.

Created about 4 years ago