Marriage
I have written about this many times before, but it is notable to mention that this passage speaks to the individual responsibility of the husband and wife.
There is a phenomenon that has a very strong tendency to happen in marriage, primarily based on our natural tendency to self centeredness. After the rush of hormones that give us the "in love" feeling and cause us to be blind to any of the other person's faults subsides, we are suddenly struck with the reality that it actually is a real person, complete with the set of faults normal people have, that we are married to,and not the fairy tale we thought we were in. In some ways, it is almost as if we are"tricked" by our hormones into getting married (in a similar way that we are later"tricked" into having kids through the vehicle of sexual desire and gratification). Because the reality is, how many people would voluntarily go through the pains of the realities of marriage (or child raising) if we could start out seeing all it would entail? More than likely, our species would have died out a long time ago. To keep that from happening, because God knows our tendency to be selfish and do what feels good, He provides the best feelings (love and sex) for what will lead us into the hardest jobs: marriage and child rearing.
So there you are, confronted, with a shock, that your wife (or husband, of course, but I am going to talk to husband here, since that is what I am, and that is who this particular passage is addressing) has some"issues". Well, well, well. The funny thing is, your wife is also waking up to the fact (although she could have done so a few months before or after you) that YOU have some issues of your own. Because, of course,a central truth in marriage and in life in general is that "there is none righteous, no not one; for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.“ That means us, that means our parents, and that means our spouses; and the sooner we can accept those realities, and fall on our only Hope - the righteousness and sufficiency of God- the better it will be for us and those we deal with.
The problem is, it is much easier to see the speck in someone else's eye than it is to see the plank in our own. And it is even easier to see the 2 by 12 in someone else's eye than the 2 by 4 in our own, even though our 2 by 4 may have contributed just as much to the problem as their 2 by 12. So you end up sword fighting with your eye planks, each yelling at each other to stop hitting you with their board, instead of focusing on laying aside your own board. Because, of course, you probably can't see that your own board is hurting you - at least not like you can see theirs is.
Thus begins the cycle of hurt and blame. If both people remain in their self centered victim modes, they will continue toward divorce, or at least stay stuck in an unhappy marriage. Is it any wonder that there are so many of both?
So now look again closely at these passages: does it day, "husbands, see to it that your wives submit to you and respect you; and wives, see to it that your husbands sacrificially love you"? It doesn't say that, but that's often how we treat it. "See, look, it says right here in the Holy Book that you are supposed to do XYZ." Yes, it does say that, but it doesn't talk to the husbands about what the wives should do, or vice versa; it talks to the husbands about what the husbands should be doing.
This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but the fact of the matter is that there is actually good news in this. For as long as you both remain victims of the other person's faults you remain powerless and stuck, because you are each waiting for the other person to change. However, if you take responsibility for your own issues, even if you don't think that they are very big "compared to" your spouse's (or whoever's) you have suddenly empowered yourself, and have brought hope for change. Because the fact is, only YOU can (by God's grace) change you. You can't change another person, as much as you may want to or try to. It takes two people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to change the dynamics of a relationship.
Created 6 months ago
