the feast

here's a definite theme here, and it's food related. . .and that's an image that's stuck in my mind today. in reading the first sccc 7 journeys study guide, in delving into the parable of the prodigal son, that's something i kept thinking about, the feast that the Father throws, the celebration. i imagined You, waving me home, running down the road t meet me- i pictured my stammering speech being cast aside by Your love, my plans and schemes to try and get scraps from You pushed aside in a smothering embrace. i saw myself accepting that embrace, throwing myself into it- but how long do i stay? how long before i squirm out and start looking for some way to "earn" my keep, so to speak- maybe i'll just do some work on the ranch while the feast is going on? maybe that will make up for my betrayal? and You come back to me, and insist that i sit and eat, that i relax and enjoy the celebration, that's it's all for me, and i smile at the thought, but then i think about my older brother, sneering at me, he probably thinks i'm lazy, that i'm a screw up- You say i'm not, but can i get his approval as well? can i prove it to him too? which wraps around to an important question- why isn't Your stamp of approval enough? this strikes at the very heart of me, the earner- so much of it for me is wrapped not even around earning Your love (which i do, on occasion), but trying to add another little prize to what You offer- earning the approval of others as well. earning RESPECT from those around me. earning respect/approval from an earthly father who says (when sober) that he IS proud of me, but mutters (when drunk) that i'm a "lazy bastard". . . the praise of the former statement gets lost in the burning shame of the latter, and more to the point- YOUR love and approval and acceptance of me gets completely lost while i try and focus on getting divine love/attention from someone who's a broken sinful human just like myself. Jesus, please help me to stop worrying about the "older brother", or any other fellow human, in terms of gaining approval. help me to find what i'm looking for only in You, from You, from Your embrace. help me to stay wrapped up in Your arms, help me to just accept what You're offering, to feast on nothing but Your love for me. . .

Created over 2 years ago