Hiding
I had a rather vivid brush with passivity a couple of nights ago... it was mostly illuminated by the incredible honesty of a friend. She shared some of the darker moments of her past with me, and when we had talked the issue to its end, she asked, "So, what's your shit?"
"Well, I have a chronic addiction to pleasuring myself and have masturbated more times than I care to talk about in the last week." That's what went through my mind... that's what I should have said. But, unfortunately, I made up some crap that drove our conversation far enough in the opposite direction to successfully preserve my image as someone who isn't perfect, but at least isn't ill, addicted, and weak. I hid the truth about myself just like Adam and Eve hid the truth about themselves.
I guess in this case, it was just me doing the hiding. She pretty much opened herself up to potential judgment and condemnation. And I didn't have the courage to reciprocate. The irony of this situation is that, conceptually, it isn't much different than masturbation. The core issues of lying and seeking instant sexual gratification are both rooted in the fact that the vast majority of my action (or inaction, in this case) is devoted to what I think is best for me. In all things, I am preoccupied with myself.
I want that pattern to end. Maybe the reversal can start with trying to say what should have been said last Saturday.
Created over 2 years ago
