winter retreat.
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double‑minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.
friday night kiana wanted to know what was up what god was saying to me and i just said nothing. i told her how angry i am inside and how i hate people and i just wont even give hardly anyone a chance, i cant open up to people, i hate school im invisible there people think im a bitch cause i wont talk and blah blah blah. i said how could love me after all the terrible things ive done ive asked for forgiveness ive cried and prayed but felt nothing. we cried, she prayed for me, i prayed for me, i felt better. she told me how she felt the same and how her dad was not great either. more crying ensued, more praying, you know. and i genuinely felt loved. i realized that if people who dont have to take the time to pray for me or the people who tried to make me come back to church aka you when they didnt have to care so much, then maybe its me who needs to take a step back. and see what im doing wrong. which lets face it is a lot.
saturday night though is when it all hit me. i was up at the altar crying just begging god to fill my heart with his love for people and praying about how im so wrapped up in hating my dad all the time and god spoke to me. i realized why i have such a hard time trusting him and loving him when i dont have a dad who ever loved me the way he should have, and i realized i felt like he couldnt love me if my dad couldnt. like i wasnt good enough. like i failed at being a daughter so why could he love me. and i was just begging for a sign, and praying and telling him over and over out loud that i wanted him to be my father and guide me and begging for a sign and right then sarah shellbreck (spelt that wrong lol) looked at me and hugged me while she was praying for me and said we all need a father. and i knew. and i cried, and i was so happy i couldnt stop crying.
taylor told me to hold on to that, and not to let the devil pull me back down. this weekend showed me how real the devil really is and its not something that im ever going to forget. god spoke to me so powerfully, for the first time i felt gods love and it was probably one of the best if not the best moment of my life.
and i just found out i have to speak about it on wednesday. greatttt.
but thats why i picked this verse, because i need to stay close to god. really really really make an effort. and i need to make a legitimate attempt to make peace with my dad. all i can do is try.
Created over 2 years ago
