Is This Me?
I know the truth, I study the Word, I go to church and try and live the Christian life, but I see very little evidence of God's love in my life. I lash out at non-believers in contempt for their way of life. I am very judgmental, and I find it very hard to have compassion for any other person, regardless of their circumstances. Perhaps I'm the modern day Pharisee? But I know that that really isn't it, because I honestly realize that I am perhaps the worst of sinners. But my lack of love for anyone or anything just stands out to me as very convicting. And it leads me to a deeper depression, knowing that no matter how hard I try and turn my life over to God, that I simply don't seem to have the ability to allow God to fill me with His love.
Again, I know the Word of God better then most people I know, including some Pastors, but I have not been able to breach the divide between study and practice. I feel like the black pastor in the movie, "Left Behind", who comes to realize his hypocrisy after the rapture, and he's the only one from his church left behind, because he realized that he knew the Word, and had all the right answers when called upon, but never was able to apply God's love in his life.
Honestly, my faith is very strong. I am 100% confident in the promises of the Bible, and of what Jesus did for us and for our sins. But I cannot seem to find it in myself to surrender to His love, and to allow the Holy Spirit to work that love in my life. Charity? Non existent. Tithing? Are you kidding me? Compassion for my brothers and sisters in Christ? Please, I have to go to work. Can you help a brother out? Sorry, I've got a Bible study to go to.
If we study the Word of God, and even memorize it, but don't share God's love with others, what's the point honestly? There are several other passages of scripture that deal with this honestly, and it's so convicting to me. But how I approach and deal with that conviction escapes me. And factor in my family. I have a wife and two children to take responsibility for. I have to put food on the table and take care of them. But it's so hard for me to get beyond the "reading", and get into the "doing".
Created about 2 years ago
